Retirement Jokes


For Retirement jokes, visit: http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/retirement_jokes.htm

Here is a selection -

Some People Never Retire -

* Golfers never retire, they just lose their drive
* Lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away
* Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance
* Bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest
* Vehicle mechanics? They re-tyre every day
* Teachers don’t retire, they just mark time
* Roofers don’t retire, they just wipe the slate clean
* Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings
* Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off
* Musicians never retire, they just decompose
* Farmers never retire, they just go to seed
* Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down
* Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties
* Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it
* Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out


'The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.' Anonymous

'I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.' Charles Lamb.

'It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.' Scott Elledge.

'Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.' Malcolm Muggeridge

'There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!' Groucho Marx

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A definition of retirement: You get up in the morning with nothing to do, and go to bed at night having only done half of it.

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Seven Retirement one-liners to work into your leaving speech

1. Active socially: Drinks heavily.
2. Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
3. Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
4. Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
5. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
6. Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
7. Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.

And Seven More ...
1. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
2. She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
4. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. This man has delusions of adequacy.
6. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; buy she only gargles.
7. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.


One day a police panda car pulled up to Granny's home and Grampy got out. The constable explained that this elderly gentlemen had said he was lost in the Victoria park.

'Why, Ivor, 'said Granny, 'You've been going there for over 30 years! How on earth could you say you had got lost?'

Leaning close to Granny so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, 'Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.'